Previous Posts.
Previous Posts.
I’m a stay at home dad.
“Oh it must be so easy, at home all day, watching telly, eating biscuits and drinking brews whenever you want. Just a bit of tidying up in the afternoon and your day is done. Easy life.”
There isn’t a mum or housewife who hasn’t heard a variant of the above, and there isn’t a stay at home parent who hasn’t steamed through their ears and momentarily forgotten their vow of non violence as in their mind they see a swift knee to the solar plexus (or lower) of the, usually, male distributor of domestic knowledge.
But is it any different for a stay at home dad? Well, the short answer is YES. We men are different. Where the multitasking, multifunctioning mum just does, we men initially struggle. We are predisposed to order, we love lists (read any Chris Evans book if you don’t believe me), just doing takes effort (and normally a list) and a lot of time.
Through this blog, I am to let the inner workings of a stay at home dad be unleashed on the outside world. How do we deal with the every day existence of little people, the lack of adult contact and most importantly, finding enough paper to write lists.
The Beginning
The Beginning
When does the birth of a housedad begin? Is it when the better half’s mat leave is over and you are on your own? Is it the birth itself? Is it when mat leave begins? No. You become a housedad when the conversation starts “When we have children, who’s going to give up work?”
As I said previously, we men can do the same things as women, it just takes time for information to sink in, time to prepare ourselves for every eventuality and time to write some lists. We can read the parenting books, but trust me gentlemen, there is nothing there for us. How do I know? I’ve read countless (sometimes by choice) and we are there for support. Sidenote: Love that word support when used emotionally not physically. What and how? What does it actually mean and how do I do it. Honestly ladies, just tell us and we’ll do it.
Right then. We are pregnant. The conversation begins, you both know the answer to the question but neither wants to say it. Sometimes it may be a close run thing, financially there may be not much to choose between you, but who has the career and, if you are planning on having more kids, whose career is least effected by not being at work? In my case it wasn’t a close run thing. Think Rick Waller against Usain Bolt in the 100m and you’ll get the gist. Therefore the conversation is swift and to the point, a bit like ripping off a plaster apart the “pain” comes a lot later.
So the decision is made. It feels ok. You’ve analysed it with your male brain, weighed up the pros and cons, in other words the amount of piss taking compared to brownie points scored and you feel good about the decision, happy even, possibly this is what you were meant to do.
Now as I’ve said, this is when being a housedad begins, but unfortunately it is also when the issues begin.
Do you remember your wedding day? Nice wasn’t it. Got dressed up, said the right words, good food and great company (at least it should have been, you chose it all). But was it about you? The truthful answer is no, not really. You may have both made the decisions, talked about the food, music and guests, but be honest, as long as she was happy you were happy. Well that’s pregnancy. Everyone now knows you are to be that rarity, a stay at home dad, that all the responsibility will eventually fall on your shoulders but during the pregnancy all you can do and be is supportive. (Again, love that word.) But this is the beginning of being a housedad and this is where the delay from the plaster ripping starts to arrive.
The Woman’s Domain.
One of my biggest fears when my wife and I first decided I was to become a fulltime stay at home dad was “this isn’t where I exist”. The fear you have when you first start a new job can be addressed on the simple premise that someone thought enough of you to employ you, that doesn’t happen when you become a housedad. The thing is, you’ll be undertaking a role women have been doing since childbirth began, you are entering the woman’s domain and you will be judged.
You have entered, or will be entering, a whole new role that you have no experience of, your family have no experience of and it’s pretty certain none of your friends have any experience. As a Dad with 4 years experience I can tell you 3 things for certain. You will get things wrong, you will feel guilty and you will face criticism. But I’ll let you into a little secret, all mums feel and experience these things too.
Finding your own way is difficult with so few people to give you experience related advice but one thing you cannot be afraid of is the fact that you are a man. We do things differently, we think differently and we have different levels of expectations. Don’t try and be your partner, trust me, you are with them for a reason but that reason is not that you wanted to be with yourself. Cook the things you would like to eat, and I mean cook. The first time you hear that you heat things up is kind of funny, not so the third, eighth or twentieth. It’s not that difficult, start basic, gain confidence and expand. I feel great when my eldest figures out it’s Friday and shouts out “Mexican”, and it’s so easy to make. These little moments make a crappy day worthwhile and remind you that you are doing it right.
Now there are lots of things that we as Dads are supposed to be good at naturally, playing games, running around and shouting. Don’t think you have to change, that you have to be different than you are to fit into the women’s domain, make it yours. Things you will have to alter and adapt to mostly revolve around cleanliness. Yours, the kids and the house. Now don’t show the wife this bit but these three things don’t take up that much of your day if you manage your time well and to do this write lists. Be honest, you are a man, you like lists. It makes for a lot of repetition but what job doesn’t?
Things that are hard to get used to.
No nappy smells good, man up and deal with it.
You will feel tired, all the time, lower the manliness, go to bed early.
Children are noisy.
Children make a mess.
Shouting has to be your last resort.
Watching Jo Frost and agreeing. (You tube her, you’ll like it).
Listening to your wife’s work stories.
All of the above get easier, some even become fun and when your partner begins to fit into her new role you will realise there’s not that much to be afraid of.
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