I don't like this feeling

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The more astute amongst you would have seen a gap in posts with no new insight from the Castle for a week. This is down to a simple fact, I have nothing "fun" to write about. When I first embarked on this blog journey I wanted to give an honest but upbeat account of life as a stay at home parent. Too many times I've read through other peoples rants and thought "well that was a waste of my time" and I didn't want to be that kind of writer, but this past week (well, month actually) has seen a reversal on that position as life, at the moment, frankly sucks.

Don't get me wrong, there are things that I shall be eternally grateful for. The wonderful wife, my two amazing children and doughnuts, but as the agonising search for the next chapter of my accidental house life continues, I feel a horrible sense of deja vu and a sinking feeling of monotony. My days are quickly blurring into one long continuous slog of dishwasher washing machine dinner making school running homework doing shopping with the same list again lack of sleep and no time for myself ness. And it doesn't stop there. A problem with being at home is that you begin to resent that home. As you vacuum the same piece of floor for the umpteenth time a dark desire to rip it up and set fire to the floorboards becomes a real possibility. A belief that the white goods are openly mocking you feels a reality and as the constant hum of something in operational mode becomes the background noise to your life you wonder what silence actually sounds like.

The desire for the next chapter to kick in ultimately becomes dependant on employment. No matter how long you've been out of the paid workforce you have a missed a period of work which means filling in that space on an application form asking for any reasons for a gap in employment. At first you're proud to fill in House Husband/Wife or Home Maker in that box, but after a while (and a lot of rejection) this aspect of your life begins to embarrass you. It's just two words, two words which you were once proud to use to describe who you were, but these two words now don't seem to say anything. You now what it means to be a full time parent, you understand all the skills and level of work it takes to be a good one, but that box isn't big enough to describe the role and unless you're communicating with someone who's done it people just don't get it.

In a pre-defined employment role you can do a tick box exercise to prove you accomplishments and any suitability for a different role, but who the hell understands the skills and worthiness of getting two children who don't want to play ball, up, dressed, fed and out for school on time. Who gives a (insert rude word here) the level of planning and imagination required to keep food interesting 365 days of the year and who, unless they've done it themselves, understands the determination required and level of can-do attitude on show as you vacuum that same piece of (any rude word you fancy) flooring again.

I don't like this feeling but every failed job application feels like an attack on my worth as a member of society. I don't like this feeling but society still looks at me with shock when I tell them what I do. I don't like this feeling when it's coming up to Christmas and the thought of having people in my house makes me want to set fire to that fecking carpet (sorry, couldn't hold that one back). I don't like this feeling, but thankfully, I like doughnuts and my son just gave me an unsolicited kiss. Carry on.


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